The following blog post is not me begging for pity. I promised to blog about the good and the bad of my trip, and this is the first tough blog post… Perhaps this will be read by someone who is feeling similar emotions one day, and it will comfort them to know that they aren’t alone!
And it has finally happened.
My trip, so far, has been, yes, amazing. I have seen so many wonderful things in Cornwall and Cambridge, and I am so thrilled to be here. But, I must confess, I have struggled over the past couple of days with the feelings of loneliness and isolation.
I’m traveling to Paddington Station tonight where I will arrive at midnight and wait for roughly nine hours until my train departs tomorrow morning for Amsterdam. I’m sure I will be fine, and I’ll make sure I’m in a safe area, but the trip has been hanging over my head for a couple of days now, and frankly, I’m scared.
I’m not scared about getting robbed or the like, because I know that I’ll get myself into a safe place. I’m scared about sitting there, in the quiet and the cold, alone, with my thoughts to entertain me. I have already thought about coming home early because of so many different reasons.
I feel like I’m wasting my time here. I definitely feel like I’m wasting my money. I love traveling so much that I get way too excited about it. Seriously. But I’m coming to realize that I really only love traveling when I’m sharing the experience with someone. I’ve travelled a lot with my parents, and I do love sharing experiences with them, but now it’s time for me to share it with people close to my heart (not that my parents aren’t close to my heart, but you know what I mean… People close to my heart that aren’t my parents).
I know that this is going to sound freakishly weird and annoyingly sappy, but I really want a family. I want my own home, a life partner, kids, a safe car, insurance to cover my family, a nest egg in the bank, not an expensive and showy, but a quality and cozy home with everything my family needs… You get the idea.
I’m struggling because when I have nothing to do, I freak out. I get all weird and everything. But right now, having nothing to do, I’m stir crazy but completely unmotivated to do anything at all. I need a goal. I need to be working towards a long term success that I can be proud of. I need a family that doesn’t smother me yet still protects me and is proud of me. I need a better relationship with my parents, and I need more friends. I need people who want to be around me and who are interested in me, and I need to be less focused on myself and my needs. I need to be more proud of who I am, emotionally and psychologically, and less worried about appearances in this moment.
I need a hug. Europe is great, but it is so hard to be on my own. It is so hard to be alone.